Wanker Cars

Searching for the new champion of detestable autos. It may be battery powered.

Some Australian- and British-English words are hard to translate into American. “Wanker” might be at the top of the list. Merriam-Webster defines it simply as; “someone who masturbates”. Their secondary definition is; “Jerk, dolt”. I think the true meaning lies somewhere in between.

A jerk who is also fooling themselves, perhaps.

My kids hear me complain about Tesla drivers a lot on the road. Way too much. Most Tesla folk never use their turn signals and seem to think the road is owed to them, but I won’t get into all that. The crux of it is, I think the Tesla is the current champion of Wanker Cars.

You know wanker cars. A friend once perfectly described Land Rovers to me as the “designer purse” of cars. That’s a wanker car. When I was a kid, my dad was in love with Porsches, but eventually I could see him spurn his beloved auto. In Australia, in the ‘80s, it was most definitely a wanker car. He knew it and couldn’t overcome the stigma, eventually opting for my uncle’s used BMW sedan, until the heat died down.

Prius had a rough run for a moment there. They were so popular in Los Angeles upon release, with people of almost all driving budgets, that they suffered from their own success. Too much of anything gets on the nose eventually (another mark against Teslas). My wife had a Prius, I loved it. More than one parked in a row in our old neighborhood became colloquially known as a Silver Lake Sandwich. Now they’re old hat. The earlier ones even a bit sad looking.

High on my list of what defines a wanker car is obviously the vehicle itself (Is it trying too hard?), and then the stereotypical conduct of its driver. But there’s one other category that irks me, and that Teslas in particular have drawn my attention to: bumper stickers.

By which I mean, a lack of them. Tesla drivers seem allergic to bumper stickers. Have you ever seen one on a Tesla? You’d be more likely to see a turn signal. (There I go again. Sorry, kids.). I once saw a Tesla with its carpool lane stickers taped inside the windows – rendering them both useless, and illegally placed – just to avoid sorrying those glorious curves. 

There’s any number of other easily identifiable wanker cars in LA, you don’t have to look far. But with the recent release of the much anticipated Cybertruck, I think Tesla is now in its own league. Has there ever been a car that more violently screams “Get fucked!” to everyone else on the road? It’s certainly not helped by the very public conduct of the company’s founder himself. Jerk, dolt… what’s the word?

That last factor may finally be turning the tide. The cars might as well be called Musks and now the company is in its second straight quarter of sales declines. I’ve also seen two different Cybertrucks on tow trucks in the past week, and I’m not too proud to admit a thrilling rush of Schadenfreude each time.

Earlier this week I had lunch with a friend of mine who loves gadgets. He even has one of those nifty electric motor bikes, which got me thinking about electric cars. “You wouldn’t get a Tesla, would you?” I asked worriedly, on the way to our vehicles (his a stylish German sports car, mine the beaten up Toyota Tacoma).

“No way!” he replied, scoffing. “I hate Elon Musk.”

“Wanker,” I said.

Hey - please let me know in the comments your favorite/hated Wanker Car!